Unmasked is a stunning, raw, emotive spoken word poem on the subject of depression by Gari De Ramos. bc magazine’s Hannah Ridley spoke to the author about her own fight with depression and the creation of Unmasked.
Read the poem here
What inspired you to create this piece?
Before I actually answer this question, I must explain that I created Unmasked as my MYP Personal Project. Creating a poem was actually not my original intention, I instead wanted to collate several honest and uncensored interviews with anonymous Hong Kong adolescents about their struggle with depression. The goal was to instill sympathy, if not empathy, to those unfamiliar with depression, anxiety, and suicidal behaviour.
When the project began over a year ago, it was very common for things such as depression to be treated like a joke. It was – and for some, still is – seen as something they can use as hyperbole. Hearing phrases such as “Oh my god, they ran out of forks. I’m so depressed right now” or “If I get a five on this assessment I’m going to kill myself” was a common thing which irked me so much. I also had an ask.fm account where people knew I was depressed and would say things such as “but you’re so fortunate and have good grades and friends, how can you be depressed?”. The mental illness I was battling with was being incredibly misunderstood by so many around me, it was clear to me that it needed explaining. I needed to unmask depression.
I created this piece because I hope the following things:
- I hope that it is a more effective way of talking about depression, unlike the many ways it is danced around in school.
- I hope to educate.
- I hope to inspire.
Do you believe your poem did any justice/impacted all of the people you interviewed?
I definitely think that those I interviewed have been impacted in doing so, but possibly in different ways. For a handful of interviewees, it was the first time they had been able to comfortably let out EVERYTHING that was on their mind. They told me immediately afterwards that being interviewed gave them an immense sense of relief – an sensation rarely felt when battling depression and/or anxiety. Whether or not this was case for everyone, I believe I can safely say that each person I interviewed was able to learn more about themselves, since it was such an introspective experience, and that they are now slightly more comfortable with opening up to others.
In regards to doing my interviewees justice, I believe I do enough. When I describe depression in “stanzas” 11-16, I am quoting those I interviewed; I am using their words. I, myself, have never carved the word worthless into my body, nor have have I ever exercised to the point where I would faint, but real people have. I think I did just enough justice to them since I was able to incorporate most of what they had to say, but I will never truly be satisfied until I have the ability to publish the transcripts of our interviews into the general public. I believe that one person speaking for so many can never encapsulate each person’s story holistically and in every detail. Each person has their own story and it should be told by them, but I did what I could to speak for them all, and I believe that is enough.
Were there any emotional/mental struggles that you faced during the creation of this piece?
Interesting question. At the beginning of the process, I was still depressed, experiencing anxiety attacks, and having bouts of suicidal behaviour. But as the research and interviewing stages progressed, the more I noticed I was making a difference. Creating this piece gave me something to be passionate about, which is ultimately a large part in my recovery. As I do mention in the poem, however, I relapsed. I was suicidal and I didn’t see the point in what I was doing, but fortunately at this point, I had come to differentiate the healthy voice in my head from the unhealthy voice. I knew what I was thinking was untrue, and I recognised I had the strength to change it. I doubt I would have been able to reach this point of self-awareness if it were not for the insane amount of self-reflection and somewhat philosophical introspection that came with the writing process.
Has the creation of this piece benefitted you in any way?
Like I said, it was a huge part of my recovery. Of course it is not the sole way I recovered (recovery is a long-ass process with many different variables involved), but it gave me a sense of closure. I was able to learn a lot about myself as I describe in stanzas “These scars don’t make me me” to “I am the only thing I will have in my life permanently” [you can change these to the stanza numbers]. Those stanzas speak for themselves. Although it sounds pretentious, creating this piece made me wiser since project like this requires you to think not just about what you have gone through, but also how that has impacted you. I also discovered the enlightening sense of fulfilment I get from being able to help others and contribute to something more than myself.
Do you believe that creating this piece has changed your mental wellbeing in any way?
As I said it helped me cope and gave me closure. I now recognise when I’m sad or happy or doubting myself. I’ve gotten into the habit of double checking the things I say to myself. Is my negative thinking justified? What can I change about me or my environment to change this? Thankfully it hasn’t returned to the point where I think it is actually justified, or there’s nothing I can do. This is all because I was able to reflect deeply enough, that I was able to realise I actually do know when I’m being irrational.
What do you hope readers will get out of reading or listening to your poem?
With Unmasked, I hope to influence three types of people.
1) People who have no experience or sympathy to those suffering with depression, anxiety, and/or suicidal behaviour,
2) those who are suffering from the aforementioned shitty things,
3) those who have been able to overcome it.
For the first type of reader, I hope they gain a better understanding of what someone with depression goes through, and possibly even heighten their emotional intelligence and empathy. I hope that they don’t view people with mental illness as weak or that depression is something that should easily be overcome. This is important because usually a person’s support system consists of people who haven’t gone through the same kind of emotion, and you need to understand an experience of a person in order to support them.
For those who are currently treading the waters of their mental illness, I hope they find the motivation to keep fighting and that they know they’re not alone.
For everyone, I hope they recognise the honesty, heart, and soul of everyone involved. Everything goes wrong when your brain isn’t functioning healthily. I can safely say that living with and overcoming depression is the most difficult thing I, and many others, have ever had to do, and one of the things I am most proud of overcoming. If a reader can take away this message and develop their sense of empathy, then I would have succeeded.
Has expressing yourself in this way changed you as a person?
Self-expression through writing is not something foreign to me. It hasn’t changed me, it’s who I am and how I do things.
Outside of your personal experiences, how did you learn more about the effects of depression?
As mentioned in the poem, I interviewed 10 Hong Kong teenagers who suffer or have suffered with depression, anxiety, and/or suicidal behaviour (as well as myself). I told everyone I knew about my project and that I needed people to interview, as well as posting about it on my social media. I think an interesting thing about my interviewees is that all the females volunteered, whereas the males needed a little push, which clearly says something about the stigma of men and mental health. Besides the interviews, I did extensive research on the science behind mental illness, as well as frequently met with my school counsellor about mental health issues, particularly depression, anxiety, and suicidal tendencies, among teenagers.
If there is one thing that you could say to those who are currently diagnosed with depression, what would that be?
I think the hardest parts for someone with depression is admitting they need help and being able to get help, and to that, I would say that your mental health comes first so you do everything humanly possible to take care of yourself. I don’t know how to convince someone to live. That’s the hardest part that must be done by yourself, but building a support system will get you through it. Whether that support system be good humans or your Netflix account, find at least one thing worth making it through the day. Recovery is a step-by-step process which is different for everybody, but there is no tutorial. You do what works for you, and all I can say is I hope you find the strength within you to not only make it through this, but live a life that makes you happy, no matter how impossible that seems.
If you have suicidal thoughts don’t keep them to yourself speak to someone. The Samaritins 24hour hotline number is 2896 0000
